It has taken me an entire week to share this with all of you. It has been somewhat difficult because I didn’t know how to bring enough closure to the entire situation. I didn’t have the courage to talk about it either, because yes, I have been embarrassed, I have feared judgement, I have had a hole in my heart that only this deep truth can get to reveal. Even as I am typing now, words are still failing me. I do not know exactly how I will pass this message and ensure it cuts across to save someone like I received the salvation. I, however, believe that Jesus, in all His goodness will inspire me and help me write it as I intend to. It has taken me courage.
At the beginning of this year, we all had resolves. We all aspired to be better than we were and hoped that when we got to December, it would be a moment of Jubilation, having achieved all of that we had put in our little notebooks. I was among the many who wrote them down, stuck some to the wall and sang about others. If you asked me if any of what I wrote has made me happy, nothing has.In fact, I feel like my life all this time has gone downhill. I know you do not believe me.
It all began when I stopped to fully submit my life to God. I thought that I had the world in my hands and no one would tell me anything. It started off so well. I got a new job and I had it all going well for me. In this same process, I continued to preach what I didn’t use to practice. I preached good, but I hardly lived it. There is some wine and water phrase they mostly love to use. ( ). You can put it in there, in that bracket. I can’t remember it.
God was honestly nowhere in my life for months. I slowly began to realize that things were not right anymore. I would boldly reject responsibility that was entrusted to me, that involved God. I didn’t want to be asked to pray anymore. I didn’t want to be involved in church activity anymore. I wanted to be alone and to just think things through. It helped nothing. I needed Jesus, but I swear I didn’t look for Him. As a result, I lost love for self and totally secluded myself from the world. I was constantly on emotional imbalance, I got too clingy, but I really didn’t know it was getting so bad.
On most occasions, I was sad. I got through the situation but would constantly dwell on resolved matters and issues. In the process, I lost some friends but others decided to stick with me through the mess. What actually affected me the most was that I chose to love others but didn’t have the slightest for myself.
I would say that through this period, I made the worst choices with myself. The consequences have been indeed lethal, and I have had a great impact felt from the same. My life would often revolve around the very same people, but I didn’t realize it. I would honestly say that I haven’t had a good social life. It has been totally imbalanced.
I don’t know how truly I can explain the feeling of not having God, not living right in truth, but it is so much of a burden that no one but Jesus could help you carry. Even as I write this now, it is because I am on a start journey. I don’t know how much time it will take me, but I am totally decided.
Another thing I noticed when God has no room in my life is that often, my thoughts were so wrapped in myself. I didn’t seem to notice other people. Even if I did, to me they were more of threats. It is totally a bad feeling. Away with God means together with sin. Grace is not enough to save you because you prefer the other side of sin. There is absolutely nothing good about that particular side.
I got defensive. Many who know me have known me as the church girl. As the prayer warrior, as the go to person for advise. But I had began to get very defensive and asked to be called none of that. This happened when I finally realized that I was so far gone. There is no way I could be all that and yet I had no God in my heart.
My turnaround point?
It is actually now. It is now that I realize that my life is incomplete without Jesus. A friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that until I have found my identity in Christ, there will be partial everything. Nothing will come in fullness. Relationships won’t be lived in fullness until I had learned to love God fully. To embrace everything noble, lovely (Thank you Emcee Pato)
Then I was also taught by a friend that I needed to be totally open with Jesus. “Did you give Jesus your heart today?” “Did you let Him know you’re struggling with this sin?” “Why do you condemn yourself yet He has already forgiven and set you free?” I wouldn’t have learned to do all this but now, I know where love is found fully. (Thank you Shiru Nicholas)
Learn to stand in faith that God is indeed turning this situation around for your good. If you are praying so much to see it better, it is because God is in it. Jesus will give you a new song. (Thank you Lois Wanjiku)
A heart that is in desire to please God will receive healing. (Thank you Irene Sifuna).
If you have been called to serve, to lead, it is because people believed in you. You have always had a desire to share God with others. Think about it. (Thank you Mike)
What matters to me now? It is building my relationship with Jesus once again. All else can come second and third. I know He will help me build relationships that are not only beautiful, but necessary ones. I now need God, I need my family. I need a renewed kind of life.
This is what I have learned: “All I once held dear, I count it all loss”
It has been indeed difficult sharing this, but I now feel free to have shared it with you. From my heart to yours.